When people meet me they seem impressed and offer words such as "you're the full package". Then they follow by saying I don't understand why an attractive woman like you is single. Other times they follow by maybe you're too picky? Sometimes they say "men are a little intimidated by independent women" or "you really should tone down how outspoken you are. Men like women who are a little more dependent". "what's your type?" "you prefer American or Persian"? The list goes on and on.
I don't know much psychology beyond the psych 101 course I took as part of my general ed in college. Yet I do know that I'm not the only Persian over 40 year old woman who seems to be struggling with the same issues I am.
Most of us left Iran around 1978 right after the revolution. Needless to say this is the second time I left Iran. I had left when I was a baby in 1969 and had gone back in 1974 to leave again in 1978. Regardless, the issues I want to talk about stem from leaving right around the revolution.
I think most of us thought we would go back and so from the early years of adolescents we kept our love for the home land, kept up with the language and culture etc. etc. Yet, we were foreigners in the country that we had gone to, in my case England.
So here I was a nine year old who knew some English but with a slight accent. I was often called a "Paki" a derogatory word that was aimed towards immigrants from Pakistan. It really didn't matter whether I was from Pakistan or not. The fact was that I was a brown girl who didn't look like the British.
On top of trying to fit in, my father could not leave the country because for some really "stupid" and unjust reason they had restricted him to leave the country. My father was the Dean of the college at a very well known university and that seemed a good enough reason to restrict him from leaving.
So here we were, me my mother and my brother in Birmingham/England, struggling with fitting in as well as wondering when our father will join us. My mother was studying for her PhD in England and was in her early 30s. Her funds were cut off almost immediately after the revolution so our lifestyle went from quite a lavish one to one of a scary one, quite quickly.
At the same time, there was still hope that we would one day go back to our home country and so my mother taught me farsi and I would go to the Iranian embassy to take the exam so I wouldn't fall behind. In additon, we spoke farsi at home while trying to catch up to the English I had forgotten since I had left the US in 1974. It was truly a confusing time.
I loved Western music and danced to Persian. Loved fish and chips but craved Kabobs. I knew the arabic Islamic versus but went to chapel every morning. I played with the English kids but told them I wasn't allowed to go certain places with them because my culture didn't allow it. The list goes on.
These five years don't seem like too long of a time but it was long enough to damage my identity. To this day I struggle with who I really am , what I prefer to be and last but not least, who do I want as a partner in life.
At times a Persian man seems to be the ultimate choice. How lovely to be able to speak the same language when you're talking about cultural events or the meal you are eating or the family values etc. etc. Yet you must remember those Persian men have the same issues I do. Most want a woman that can cook five times a week, is conservative in many areas, yet is "hot", "sexy" and very independent. So they want you to be independent but the minute she offers advice on finances or how the house should be refinanced or decorated, etc. etc...now we have a problem!!
At other times a non Persian man seems the ultimate choice. How lovely to be with someone you can share your background with and have political discussions with, teach and learn from each other.. There are problems here also. As Persians, most of us are VERY close to our families. Whether right or wrong, their opinion counts. The whole concept of "tarof" meaning when you feel the need to offer something or a situation when you don't really mean it or want to, is not comprehend able to a non middle eastern person. Also the gatherings Persians have, almost every week, can take a toll on a non Persian partner. How about the expenses? The lavish parties and weddings...Not to mention when you go to a place where everyone is speaking Persian and now your partner seems left out. In many cases, these guys never go out to gatherings such as these again.
One of my biggest struggles is music. I love both so much!! I grew up with Persian Pop as well as gangsta rap, house music and classical. Persian music is very beautiful to me and also so deep. Unfortunately the majority of it doesn't even make sense when you translate it. I tend not to listen to it too much when I'm dating a non Persian because I get frustrated.
These are only a few of the issues I face these days when I'm dating. Candy comes in all shapes, colors and flavors. I love them all but to chose one for the rest of my life will be very tough!!! maybe when I get older.
Issues!! Yes...I absolutely have them...
I don't know much psychology beyond the psych 101 course I took as part of my general ed in college. Yet I do know that I'm not the only Persian over 40 year old woman who seems to be struggling with the same issues I am.
Most of us left Iran around 1978 right after the revolution. Needless to say this is the second time I left Iran. I had left when I was a baby in 1969 and had gone back in 1974 to leave again in 1978. Regardless, the issues I want to talk about stem from leaving right around the revolution.
I think most of us thought we would go back and so from the early years of adolescents we kept our love for the home land, kept up with the language and culture etc. etc. Yet, we were foreigners in the country that we had gone to, in my case England.
So here I was a nine year old who knew some English but with a slight accent. I was often called a "Paki" a derogatory word that was aimed towards immigrants from Pakistan. It really didn't matter whether I was from Pakistan or not. The fact was that I was a brown girl who didn't look like the British.
On top of trying to fit in, my father could not leave the country because for some really "stupid" and unjust reason they had restricted him to leave the country. My father was the Dean of the college at a very well known university and that seemed a good enough reason to restrict him from leaving.
So here we were, me my mother and my brother in Birmingham/England, struggling with fitting in as well as wondering when our father will join us. My mother was studying for her PhD in England and was in her early 30s. Her funds were cut off almost immediately after the revolution so our lifestyle went from quite a lavish one to one of a scary one, quite quickly.
At the same time, there was still hope that we would one day go back to our home country and so my mother taught me farsi and I would go to the Iranian embassy to take the exam so I wouldn't fall behind. In additon, we spoke farsi at home while trying to catch up to the English I had forgotten since I had left the US in 1974. It was truly a confusing time.
I loved Western music and danced to Persian. Loved fish and chips but craved Kabobs. I knew the arabic Islamic versus but went to chapel every morning. I played with the English kids but told them I wasn't allowed to go certain places with them because my culture didn't allow it. The list goes on.
These five years don't seem like too long of a time but it was long enough to damage my identity. To this day I struggle with who I really am , what I prefer to be and last but not least, who do I want as a partner in life.
At times a Persian man seems to be the ultimate choice. How lovely to be able to speak the same language when you're talking about cultural events or the meal you are eating or the family values etc. etc. Yet you must remember those Persian men have the same issues I do. Most want a woman that can cook five times a week, is conservative in many areas, yet is "hot", "sexy" and very independent. So they want you to be independent but the minute she offers advice on finances or how the house should be refinanced or decorated, etc. etc...now we have a problem!!
At other times a non Persian man seems the ultimate choice. How lovely to be with someone you can share your background with and have political discussions with, teach and learn from each other.. There are problems here also. As Persians, most of us are VERY close to our families. Whether right or wrong, their opinion counts. The whole concept of "tarof" meaning when you feel the need to offer something or a situation when you don't really mean it or want to, is not comprehend able to a non middle eastern person. Also the gatherings Persians have, almost every week, can take a toll on a non Persian partner. How about the expenses? The lavish parties and weddings...Not to mention when you go to a place where everyone is speaking Persian and now your partner seems left out. In many cases, these guys never go out to gatherings such as these again.
One of my biggest struggles is music. I love both so much!! I grew up with Persian Pop as well as gangsta rap, house music and classical. Persian music is very beautiful to me and also so deep. Unfortunately the majority of it doesn't even make sense when you translate it. I tend not to listen to it too much when I'm dating a non Persian because I get frustrated.
These are only a few of the issues I face these days when I'm dating. Candy comes in all shapes, colors and flavors. I love them all but to chose one for the rest of my life will be very tough!!! maybe when I get older.
Issues!! Yes...I absolutely have them...
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