I woke up this morning with a really bad head ache...and for some reason-the whole morning has had a wierd air about it....I've been trying to put my finger on what's bothering me-I think it has something to do with the realization that it looks like I will never have children.
I wonder why this morning seems any different than any other one. I think ever since my divorce in 2001, I had accepted that this may very well be-and I had felt comfortable with it...-actually, I think I still do-yet, something about today that is giving me a wierd feeling.
I realize that having children in this decade is not what I had imagined it would be twenty years ago. For example, when I was growing up, getting caught smoking a cigarett was as taboo as it got-and now adays your'e lucky if your teenage daughter has not been exposed to crystal meth by the time she is 16. More so, the cost of raising a child in this day and age is beyon my comprehension, and so given that, I feel lucky-that I can use my time to enjoy my life exploring challenges-like traveling, or spending more time with my parents-yet, something about today that really got to me.
When I think about it, part of it may be the fact that my dog Roxy shows me how I love to care for her and nurture her like a baby-those of you who don't have pets, may judge me as being somewhat wierd-and I get that-I was probably the same up until this beautiful character stepped into my life-However, in the last month or so, Roxy has become exceptionally caring towards me-and so have I towards her-yet, I care for many people-specailly family-but this little character seems so helpless and depends on me for love and affection more than I've ever seen-and I can't help to wonder, had I been a teenager, I don't believe I would feel this the way I do now-which makes me to conclue it must be my age, and my need to be a mother.
So given this feeling that I woke up with this morning, I drove to work with a very hopeless type of mood-I know that at the present, my other half, the man I've been in a relationship with for eight months, does not want any more children-and I respect that, and do not want to persuade him-or end the relationship because of it....However, I wonder to what extent this feeling will continue or pop up in the future-and how much of an impact will it have on my life-
I wonder why this morning seems any different than any other one. I think ever since my divorce in 2001, I had accepted that this may very well be-and I had felt comfortable with it...-actually, I think I still do-yet, something about today that is giving me a wierd feeling.
I realize that having children in this decade is not what I had imagined it would be twenty years ago. For example, when I was growing up, getting caught smoking a cigarett was as taboo as it got-and now adays your'e lucky if your teenage daughter has not been exposed to crystal meth by the time she is 16. More so, the cost of raising a child in this day and age is beyon my comprehension, and so given that, I feel lucky-that I can use my time to enjoy my life exploring challenges-like traveling, or spending more time with my parents-yet, something about today that really got to me.
When I think about it, part of it may be the fact that my dog Roxy shows me how I love to care for her and nurture her like a baby-those of you who don't have pets, may judge me as being somewhat wierd-and I get that-I was probably the same up until this beautiful character stepped into my life-However, in the last month or so, Roxy has become exceptionally caring towards me-and so have I towards her-yet, I care for many people-specailly family-but this little character seems so helpless and depends on me for love and affection more than I've ever seen-and I can't help to wonder, had I been a teenager, I don't believe I would feel this the way I do now-which makes me to conclue it must be my age, and my need to be a mother.
So given this feeling that I woke up with this morning, I drove to work with a very hopeless type of mood-I know that at the present, my other half, the man I've been in a relationship with for eight months, does not want any more children-and I respect that, and do not want to persuade him-or end the relationship because of it....However, I wonder to what extent this feeling will continue or pop up in the future-and how much of an impact will it have on my life-
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